Cancer has become a life-giving and liberating experience. On September 23, the feast of Padre Pio, who is one of my favorite saints, I received the diagnosis that I had a recurrence of colon cancer and that I might need surgery and chemotherapy again. This was a surprise since three years had gone by with having been cancer-free. What now? Why now? Should I even bother to go through treatment again?
The competent and compassionate nurses we have, as well as the Siteman Cancer team who had accompanied me before, would accompany now and that was encouraging, and I also knew that I had the backing of you, my ASC Sisters, family and friends. What else could I say, but “Yes, I will give it another try.”
At the end of December, I had another resection of the colon. After a short recovery, I got off to a rough start with chest spasms due to chemotherapy. Soon I was in the hospital again with a heart monitor. The next time I was to have chemo, the weather was inclement. Also, my white cells were low, and I needed injections to remedy that. My liver was not happy with chemo either since I had had malaria and hepatitis in Bolivia. I also had to deal with brain fog and vestibular dizziness. Several months and treatments later, I got a blood clot in my lung and spent another weekend in the hospital. Finally, in mid-August, I finished chemo and now seem to be in relatively sound body, mind, and spirit.
So how has this experience been life giving and liberating? I did not volunteer for cancer; I was drafted. I volunteered to do hospice, to go to Bolivia, to live at Benedictine Living, but I did NOT volunteer for cancer. Only several months into treatment, could I say that I volunteered for cancer. I began the process of allowing it and then befriending it. Soon I made a vision board, which I called “my motivation zinger.” I put the goals for “the inner work for the end of my life”, the end meaning not only the completion of my life, but also the aim of my life. My motivation zinger is the first thing I see when I get up in the morning and the last thing I lay eyes on before I retire at night.
“My motivation zinger is the first thing I see when I get up in the morning and the last thing I lay eyes on before I retire at night.”
Sr. Ann Fearday, ASC
Some of the phrases on it are:
- Volunteer for cancer
- Abundance, John, 10, 10
- Playful, loving curiosity
- RAIN principle—Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture
- Attitude of gratitude
- Transition from aging to saging, doing to being, role to soul, and sight to insight
- Enjoy, “in joy”, the present moment
Needless to say, that this motivation zinger opened my horizons. I came to understand in a new way that I was, and am, God’s beloved and God is my Beloved, that through cancer I was being called to wholeness and to a deeper union. The words of Canticles, 3:4, became mine: “I found the God whom my heart desires.”
Thank you, sisters, for your prayerful support and know that we walk together in God’s life-giving and liberating presence, navigating the Mystery.
